the storms, the rain, the darkness.
the heart ache.
and no. The feminine embodiment practices does not make me feel less. Or make me have heavenly control over my feelings (I did after all, right there in the kitchen supply store earlier today, between the shelves with big cups for cozy cappuchinos and vacuumcleaner “perfume pearls”, cry. So no. I can’t really brag about cool.)
But feelings move and pass through me quicker, they don’t linger very long any more. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
“I have a sadness-shield. It takes all the sadness away. It’s big enough for all of us”
and yes. I did the only intelligent thing I could think of on such a ruthless a day like this one: I lit all the candles in the house and watched “Where the Wild things are“. The quote above is by the hero in the movie, Max, a little lonely boy, who pretends to be a king.
sometimes it is hard to navigate through days like this, am I supposed to learn something? am I supposed to have some kind of insight? am I supposed to tap, or affirm, or release?
or is it just tears and ache passing through me, like the darkness and the rain outside? I like the story of Inanna who chose to travel deep into the underworld, and she was initiated. Not by learning, through interesting vistas, or through new insights. She became wiser, more real, more herself, through falling apart, through dismantling, through composting, through rising again. And again. She was a Goddess, but as women we know in our bones what it means. To feel so unfiltered that it is unbearable. Yet we bear it.
Monster to Max:
“you said we were all going to sleep together in a real pile”
“you’re not really a king are you? you’re just regular.”
hmm yes. Just regular.
(but nothing, nothing, is more sad than a sad monster running through the desert afraid that he will be too late to howl good bye to his friend.)
Monster: “Hey Max? will your say good things about us when you go home?”